there goes the internet.

Are you going to eat that?

There’s some flexibility in the definition of science, with one corner of the internet giving it the following: ability to produce solutions in some problem domain.

Well, the problem is I’m hungry…

Now envision a scientist, balls deep in beakers and Bunsen burners, actualizing his dreams into god-minimizing realities. Once in awhile, that scientific know-how is brought into the edible industries. Actually, more than once in awhile, if you look into all of the garbage that goes into processed foods. (FYI – each individual word is a separate link — that’s how SRS this stuff is).

But, I’m going to take a break away from the scary, remove my tin-foil hat, and show you my secret stash of food science masterpieces that make me nauseous, aroused, and sometimes a combination of the two.

When I first heard of the This Is Why You’re Fat blog, I expected to be on the side of the individuals who found every product ~*omg so disgusting*~, and were ashamed by American gluttony™ and all of the dirty things we could do with processed meats. (True Story: In 7th grade, I lived in Utah, and my peers were shocked when I had issues believing in god. At age 20, I lived in Chicago, and my co-workers were outrightly appalled that I wasn’t in love with bacon).

Well, it wasn’t that easy, and I’ve chosen to compile the worst of the worst…and the worst garbage that I’d easily enact the nom nom for.

Let’s start with Aspic. Aspic is basically clear gelatin (often used with stock) with endless possibilities. I could go the easy route with calling it “aspicable,” but that wouldn’t do justice to the true horror of this dish. You know how grandma thinks ambrosia is the pinnacle of desserts? Well it’s not just because she can take her teeth out and hunker down, but because jello was a way of life in the 50s. It was all Americaaa, fuck yeah, bone marrow from animals will preserve freedommmmm and leftovers… Aspic takes the awkward texture, subtracts the canned fruits and plays a hand of CHUNKS OF SALTED PORK AND COAGULATED ANIMAL STOCK instead.

I can’t say I understand the watermark or why anyone would willingly take ownership of this

It gets better.

Sure, these may be nothing compared to more terrifying “delicacies”, but for a decade, this was the way of life. And people still cook this way. Especially in Russia. I’ll just say this right now, aspic is worse than socialism. We need to free these people. Write your Congressmen.

Abortion seems to be a fun and friendly topic, and you find people from all sorts of political persuasions jumping in to the general discourse. You’ve got the right-wingers, and the PETA whackos both armed with complaints, the latter explaining that in every omelet, there’s a little baby that could have grown to be… a factory farmed chicken somewhere.

I personally don’t see the chicken-eggs-as-food-abortion argument as being valid, but then again PETA also thinks the Holocaust is an equivalent to the food farming industry.

Balut, however, is a little different.

It’s a fetal duck, served in its egg, with a few feathers here and there for your culinary pleasure. The method of eating involves a “hearty slurp”, but you can find more detailed instruction if you’re up for the adventure here.

If you’re feeling particularly sadistic, you can dine on “The Soul of France.” No wine or cheese or delectable pastry bread here, just a BIRD THE SIZE OF YOUR THUMB WITH ITS EYES GOUGED OUT.

This is an ortolan, are you feeling murderous?

You can’t find images of this dish online, since it’s outlawed and is as close to a snuff operation as many a dish I’ve heard of…

Let’s borrow a bit from Wikipedia…

You catch the ortolan with a net spread up in the forest canopy. Take it alive. Take it home. Poke out its eyes and put it in a small cage. Force-feed it oats and millet and figs until it has swollen to four times its normal size. Drown it in brandy. Roast it whole, in an oven at high heat, for six to eight minutes. Bring it to the table. Place a cloth—a napkin will do—over your head to hide your cruelty from the sight of God. Put the whole bird into your mouth, with only the beak protruding from your lips. Bite. Put the beak on your plate and begin chewing, gently. You will taste three things: First, the sweetness of the flesh and fat. This is God. Then, the bitterness of the guts will begin to overwhelm you. This is the suffering of Jesus. Finally, as your teeth break the small, delicate bones and they begin to lacerate your gums, you will taste the salt of your own blood, mingling with the richness of the fat and the bitterness of the organs. This is the Holy Spirit, the mystery of the Trinity—three united as one. It is cruel. And beautiful.

But let’s move away from the gross and barbaric and into the delicious heart attack territory, shall we? Horrible segue, but all of that bird-baby-killing guilt will make me feel a lot better about injecting liquid trans-fat into my ass cheeks. ~*It’s all about perspective*~

Why yes, I do see the point in honing my OCD eccentricities by painstakingly removing the creme centers of Oreos, melting it down into molten deliciousness, and dipping the cookie back in it. There’s something incestuously daring in this…

This sandwich contains peanut butter, fluff, and nutella, fried to perfection on presumably white toast, soaked in butter. True Story: When I was a toddler, I lived in Puerto Rico, and my favorite food was fluffernutter sandwiches. Unfortunately, the island didn’t provide immediate access to the white stuff, and my uncle sent cases of it to my mother, to keep me sated. I’m pretty convinced it slowly oozes through my veins.

Fat confession: I had a vivid dream about these once and, in the dream, eating them provided me with a state of euphoria like none other.

BACON. INFUSED. WAFFLES. If you know a better sweet and savory (mandatory) combination of breakfast foods (the best meal of the day), I beseech you share it.

Deep-friend Cadbury Creme Egg. Semen similarities aside (or in addition to for the bukkake lovers)…UNF.

In retrospect, almost all of these foodstuffs have a sticky white component. I guess that might say something about me.

What are your weaknesses? The most disgusting food you’ve tried? I grew up a poor kid so I’ve had SPAM in horrible incarnations and low-brow food in general. My favorite snacks play on the cheese/chocolate combination, which I find to be holy, and consist of Cheez Its slathered with Nutella or Hershey’s Chocolate Squares and goat cheese. Clearly, I’m a classy broad.

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